I hate you.
That pretty much goes without saying, but some day's it makes me feel better to say it.
Today, happens to be one of those days. After crying myself to sleep last night I realized that what I really want, more then to see you hurting in the same way that you have hurt me, is closure. I want to be able to wake up and go about my day without thinking of you, and you with my husband.
I want to be able to watch a TV show or a movie, and not have something in it trigger a memory or questions that is still left unanswered. I want to be able to kiss my husband without sometimes feeling the overwhelming sense of nausea that I endure when the thought of you enters my mind.
The problem is, I don't know if you will ever be gone. When you made the choice to enter into a relationship with someone that you knew was married, you completely ruined my life, and my children's lives. I am forever changed, knowing that my life for a period of time, when I was living it was a lie. You took that life away from me.
The reason that I am writing this, is writing is the only way that I can process all of my feelings. I go through my day to day life hiding my feeling's from my husband and children, for many reasons. I can't be upset every minute of every day for one thing, and obviously my children don't need to know anything about this. It is something that I have to deal with and process on my own.
As for my husband, I am so angry sometimes, I find it hard to look at him. Other days I completely blame myself for not being enough for him. I know in the rational part of my brain, that I am not to blame for this, but when my emotions overwhelm me as they do all the time, I do think that.
I understand that what he did was wrong, and trust me, I will have posts that will go MUCH more into this, but for now, I keep finding little reminders that you were in my husbands life when it should have just been me.
Besides that fact that you flirted, kissed, and slept with my husband, you had the nerve to bring your kid into the situation. How the hell could you do that? What kind of a mother does that to a kid? And then you confront me and try to make me the bad guy? HA!!! I was not the whore sleeping with someone who was MARRIED!!!!
I hate you.
I hate that fact that you were part of my husbands life, I hate that you kissed him, I hate that you caused me so much pain.
I hope that someday you find someone that you love more than anything in the world, they way I love/d my husband, and I hope that some nasty, ugly whore comes and takes him from you and you can feel 1/10th of the pain that I continue to feel almost a year after all of this has happened.
I hate you.